Thursday, May 15, 2008

Lost Predickshuns

What the fuck is up with Lost? Seriously. I just saw the episode in the fourth season (current) that has Locke asking a dude in the cabin how to save the island from the boat guys. This show is constantly throwing me motha-effing questions. I seriously feel like I'm being jerked around. The Lost writers are having field days where they sit around in a circle, probably on the grass in the forest, while they smoke some herbs and shrooms, and they decide to put the most unbelievable things on the show. Not too unbelievable, but just crazy enough that you think what the fuck just happen in the last hour.

You name it they have put it in the show. You thought polar bears were nuts. You thought smoke monsters were insane. Try having time traveling and flashbacks that combine with flashforwards and an island that seems to have no rules. I think that the show ends with the island just having some goddam underground railroad system that supplies the insula with all the freaky shit ever. ("Hey, let's put a polar bear and some dharma cereal on this thing and send it to the island. We got nothing else to do".)

Now Christian, Jack's supposedly dead father, and just last week, also Claire's father, is actually on the damn island. And not just on the island like where-the-fuck-am-I, but inside the cabin with friggin' Claire. Claire is not even freaked out. She has even let her infant son go. What kind of fracked up shiznit is this bowl of honkey doo?

Stop jerking me, Lost writers! It's episodes like this when I just want to shoot myself and switch back to being a Heroes fan. Sure, Heroes is Lost lite, but that's because when they give you questions they answer it.

Let's make a bet, we'll see someone get shot on the island but mysteriously reappear later on. No,not crazy enough. He'll reappear as a girl. And he'll actually be Jack from the future. She'll be Jack from the future who had a sex change because that's the only way the island would let Jack back on the island.

And then someone will discover that if you stick an iguana in your bum, the smoke monster will appear in a pinkish hue and the theme song from Charles In Charge will announce its arrival every time. That way you have a head start.

Let's see. What else will Lost come up with. Okay, Locke will learn magic during an extended stay in the cabin. Not Harry Potter magic, but stupid parlor tricks. Let's make that one singular trick. He can turn a flower into a dove. And that dove craps green meteor rocks that people can eat just in case there's no helicopter drop-off. Of course Hurley will have a ball with this dove. Not because he's fat. But because instead of a regular dove face. The dove will have the face of Libby. Yeah, motherf@#$ing Libby.

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