Heart Rant

Something that's definitely on my mind and the minds of many single American males is the opposite sex. Now I could write a post about ladies in general, but that would be very generic, rather I would like to talk about a situation I've found myself in.

As Lips Like Asukal (LLA) readers may know, I've sort of developed a thing for one of the co-workers in my job. And whoa I did not expect this to happen. I have very very very little experience in dating and women in general, so I've been single for a very long time. Although I've obsessed over one specific girl since 8th grade, I was never confident and assertive enough to make anything happen. Even through college, I never approached any girl that I found attractive.

It's one thing to see someone across a lecture hall and find her cute, but it's another thing to actually become transfixed by someone you see on a daily basis (albeit professionally). It's sad, but I was just fine with being single up until two or three months ago. I mean, I've been single all my life and I was getting used to it. My philosophy was, "I'm fine with being single as long as I don't meet someone that I become attracted to like that girl in 8th grade". Doesn't it make sense? If you go through your daily routine and never meet someone you fall for, (not cute, because you can always find someone you think is cute), it wouldn't bother you. I mean, you can't want someone you've never met.

But then, all of a sudden my plan, as do all my screwed-up plans, goes to the shitter: I meet someone in my job. (Dammit!!!)

It wasn't all of a sudden. My feelings for her gradually grew as I talked to her. I don't have to describe her, maybe because I don't know her as well as I want to, but more because how she is is not the point. Attraction is attraction and cannot be reasoned. I don't know how she feels, but I damn sure know how I feel.

Now obviously, I don't have what people like to call "game". If I do, it's a really bad one. So in order to make up for this lack of game, I have sought the advice of every single person outside of my family. That, unfortunately, included co-workers. I have only told one co-worker, but she's sort of my friend, the rest of the co-workers only have an inkling that I like someone and want advice.

Bad Move. I would have to say 80 percent of the advice is crap and the only thing I've gotten out of my co-workers is playful ridicule. It's fine with me, but I would rather have only a select few people know. Anyway the 20 percent that does make sense I sort of half knew:

• Take some time to become friends with her first.
• Do Not ask her out right away!
  
• Be Yourself*

The first two rules are brand new. I did not know you should take your time and not ask the girl out right away. No problem for me, I work so slow, the girl in 8th grade probablly still has no idea I like her. (joke). So it's going to take some time, but hopefully I can become friends with her. But how am I going to accomplish that? Well that brings me to rule number 3.

So I knew about the "be yourself" all along, but I was too busy trying to be someone else to remember that I'm most comfortable being who I am. She might be just a friendly person, but she laughed at my jokes and we had good conversations when I was being myself. I don't know why I felt or still feel like I need to change something about who I am. All I need is the confidence to be myself and focus on becoming her friend first. THEN SWOOP IN FOR THE KILL. That's a joke. I'm not going to kill her. I do want to kiss her though.

Most important of all, I need to continue to build up my new (still growing) philosophy: "It's better that you go after what you want and not succeed, than regretting later on because you're not sure of what might happen." It's not very eloquently put, but in essence, I just need to go for it. And by it, I mean build up the friendship and then wait for the right time to gradually spend time outside of work and happy hour, then ask her out.

If I'm reading this all wrong, the worst that can happen is that she rejects me for me and I remain single. Well, not much of a difference in my life so that's nothing new. Although it might be awkward in work. But, like I told my other co-worker who's a guy, "I have to go for it and see what happens".

Why do I feel like I might just revert to my old self and not even try to befriend her and then go for it? :(

Stunted

It hit me today: I'm still the same shy and naive boy. Here, I thought I was growing up. I was socializing with people, having decent times, having the casual drinks, working a job. I should've known I couldn't just put on a face and pretend that four years of high school, four years of college never happened. I wanted to pretend that that was all just a bump in the road to being an acceptable human in the eyes of anyone and everyone. Well, that was all shot down in the blink of an eye after work in an innocent conversation with my peers.

But first, let me build up the situation. If you know me in anyway, the "real" me, then you already know that I'm not the most experienced person in the world. I've never gone clubbing, never partied, and I only had my first drink this summer. It never really bothered me until I got out of college and into the real world. I have had to adapt, and I guess that's the bad part. I want so much to do "normal" things and experience life with people. I want to laugh and have fun.

Well, I thought I was headed on that path these past few weeks or months. In my job, which is how I have most of my human interaction outside of my family, I've developed friendly relationships with many of the new teachers ( by the way, I'm a teacher). I actually was comfortable around these individuals and was able to joke around and carry conversations. You might think that that's a trivial accomplishment. However, I have always struggled with small talk and socializing. I consider the fact that the new teachers and I are on a level where we can kid with each other, a monumental feat. See, just to carry a conversation and laugh and make people laugh and not even have to think about what to say next is a dream to me. Sure, I may have done this before I hit puberty, but afterwards, not so much.

In these past few weeks, I loved how I could talk about anything, joke around, have friendly banter, and even exchange phone numbers for purposes outside of the workspace. I can enjoy happy hour with these teachers and feel human and personal. It's sad that I see myself in this light. It's sad that I need to be a little tipsy to be more open. But, that feeling is so lacking in my life, that having it made me realize the stark contrast of how I've been living my life before these experiences. Humans are social animals.

Then, today a conversation developed that I could not partake in. It was after school, the end of the work day, but three other new teachers (two girls and one guy) and I were working on lesson plans. Now, I told you how friendly all the teachers are, so if you picture any jovial situation with conversation topics all abound, that is what the meeting looked like. We were working, but we also were socializing. What could possibly wake me up from dream-like past couple of weeks? I could be reminded of my inexperince in life, and I truly and deeply emphasize and quote a special type of "inexperience".

The topic was abortions, but the "inexperience" comes from what physical activity leads to babies. Before that topic came up, we were all taking turns making jokes as we figured out what homework to give for tomorrow's lesson. A joke here, a joke there. A laugh here, a friendly roll of one's eyes there. An okay time. But what could I say when that "topic" comes up in which I have a profound "inexperience" with? Could I fake it? No. That would spell the worst disaster and I was at least smart enough not to fake it. So, if I couldn't fake it, then the only thing I could do was keep quiet. Oh, God. That was almost as worse as faking.

Just the way I was frozen staring at my work. "What could've happened to Blurr that made him so quiet", my colleagues must have been thinking. Just seconds ago, I was joking about how disorganized they were as teachers and visa versa. Now I'm quiet when this topic comes up? Each of them had some imput, some opinion about abortion, that was directly related to "experiences" that I was so "inexperienced" with. Oh, I felt my quietness. I was petrified of them asking me for my two-cents, and at the same time, like a little boy who realizes what boys and girls do for the first time, I was shocked that I was in the presence of people who have had that "experience" and were talking about it so openly. Talking as if it was something that everyone goes through.

"If you're a mature adult, you obviously have had the "experience", so it's okay for us to talk about it in front of ourselves."

So, I just listened along, trying as hard not to show my heart bouncing out of my sweater. I was hoping that the conversation would pass me by like the many conversations that I didn't have when I was college. Please pass me by without my input. I'm not going to pretend, but that doesn't mean I'm going to tell you I'm an "inexperienced" boy.

Luckily, somewhere in the conversation, I had gotten up and grabbed my jacket, in preparation to leave. Then the one guy colleague switches the conversation to marijuana. Now, that I can take. I don't have to be ashamed or apologize for not getting high. It's no big deal for me. Humans are not born to smoke weed. It's not encrypted in their genes. Procreation, however, is. Those 10 minutes of three people talking with the unusual silence from me was excruciating in my part. It has affected me so much that I had to make this entry in "Lips Like Asukal".

They definitely noticed my not talking during the conversation. Or, maybe it just passed them by. I think I'm more afraid, that if they didn't pick it up, another situation may arise where I may have to share my "inexperience". And, this could've been the perfect place to own up to my "inexperience". I'm still young, out of college, and I know I'm straight-laced. I need to be myself and let the chips fall where it may. But damn have they fallen back onto the same place where I was when I was in college. I'm so worried how I will be perceived in my peer's eyes. I felt like we could be friends, but something like this may put a damper on my human appearance.

I know it has changed, for the moment, my view of these three people. Sure, in the back of my head I may have knew that these folks are adults and should be experienced like "normal" people, but I am always naive. I still think there are "innocent" people out there. And I was developing a thing for one of the girls at the meeting. That was slowly happening in the past weeks of working together. But just hearing this conversation, and how all of them were experienced, has changed my view of them. I thought they could possibly accept me, but now I'm scared that if they ever find out, they might look at me differently. What little chance I may have had with this girl might have gone down the drain today.

Boy, did I walk out that school with my jacket feeling absolutely different. Because I am different. I need to accept that, and live with it. No. Be proud, happy, and content. I was happy in the presence of these people before this faux-revelation, so nothing should have change. They may not even know of my "inexperience", and even if they did, who cares. I'm not going to apologize for being who I am. If it affects any potential relationships negatively, then so be it.

I hope it doesn't. After all, I'm still human.

Bar Experiment

Recently, because of my new career as a teacher, I have found myself in social situations that most people find themselves in when they are younger. But for me, any social situation is a new one. Anyone who knows me for 15 minutes can see that, but I have found a way to "fool" others to think otherwise. I've put myself in these situations and managed to stay afloat, and dare I say, swim.

Yesterday, a bunch of the teachers and I went out for our customary Friday happy hour. It's probablly not so much customary, as it is an occupational requirement. (We teachers need to vent, people, and this is how we unwind from the verbal, emotional, and sometimes, physical abuse of teaching.) I am a 21 year-old boy, err, I mean man and I have only started "drinking" this summer. It's a casual thing and I'm only doing this because not doing this in college has brought me no where, except to drinking in a bar with teachers. So yesterday was not my first time drinking in a bar. It must've been my 5th or 6th. You see that? I've already lost track of my alcoholic escapades. What has motivated me to do something so opposite of my character? Well I would say peer pressure, but I'm not in high school anymore, nor am I in college; so I would say that it was the social need that humans require at least once every 8 years of their life. So the time seemed right. Plus, I get along with my colleagues just fine (so far...until I screw this up like every other social relationship. I'm just glad one month has gone by and things are just okay.)

I walk into the bar first, with two other first year teachers that I came with right behind me. We were a little late to happy hour. Of course, I walked towards the long table of teachers already there with all the confidence of a 7th grader who has just recently discovered that he likes girls. The teachers yell out "Reyes!" or at least one of them does and I sort of tilt by head up to acknowledge them instead of acknowledging the floor which I was doing. God, I wished the two teacher I came in with had walked in first. So I sort of do the "Hey, what's up" thing to the general table, which probablly only the floor heard, because I was again acknowledging the floor. I get a really bad seat at the end of the table because the two teachers who came with me sat at the last socially inviting seats. How ironic? The the three table long table had been pushed just far enough from my bench so that I would have to physically lean in if I wanted to partake in the merriment. So now I would have to make the conscious decision of "Hey, I would like to converse with you fellow humans. I am going to lean over to let you know that I am ready for a two way conversation. I have no excuse not to participate correctly because I am leanining in and should hear you!"

The waiter comes over and asks what will I be drinking and I have a 2.5 second delay and signal with both of my hands that I will be having what that man is having in front of me. "A corona?", he asks. Dammit, blurr, can't you see that the man was drinking a beer with it's frickin' lable showing "corona". You could've just said to the waiter, "I'll have a corona." This is the first clue that I clumsilty drop to the teachers at the end the table that I may not be so human after all. It's okay, blurr, you can survive this, just as long as you don't think of socializing as a life and death situation, and never refer to it as surviving.

And wouldn't you know it, I fared pretty well in the bar. No, I had fun. It was a great time to relax and talk about our experiences of the week. Better than that, we talked about each other to some personally degree. Of course, I didn't divulge much about my inner workings. One thing I found out was that I made people laugh by the way I said I live in Westchester and then defensively added that I lived with my parents. The first time a couple of them laughed, I wondered if they were laughing that I lived at home still, but I tested it out (I just wanted them to laugh again). So one of the assistant principles signals to a teacher "Hey, ask Reyes where he's from." The teacher asked. Then I said "Well, I live in Westchester", the I used my comedic timing to wait 2.5 seconds and then exclaim "withmyparents!" I said the second part with an exaggerated look to show that I was doing it on purpose. Some teachers still laughed! (Yes!) Anyway, I used that technique the rest of the night. And yes, it will get old because everyone will know where I'm from, but at least for that moment I was enjoying my time.

Good times. Other things happened, but I wasn't drunk enough to forget it. I'm just not going to make this post any longer. Of course I must've enjoyed happy hour more than the other teachers because most of everyone had other social events to go to. But who cares, I'm not an alcoholic and I had fun.

First Reaction: Damn. Second: Daayum!!!

First of all, sorry for not keeping up to date, but I promise you that this post will be a good one-- or a really shiny turd.

<---- glow? check! smile?double check! Me? missing!
Have you seen her new video for her upcoming album? Daayum!!! I'll give you a hint: she's really popular with the Desi peeps (I guess because she sorta looks like them?). Give up? It's Nelly Furtado. Don't tell me you've forgotten? Have I not spoken about her on Lips Like Asukal, a blog about cool things and fine ladies? Anyway, man is she glowing. It's probably her hair, because I'm so used to seeing it tied up short or whatever the term. But it's working. It's also probably because it's not loose and straight, but a little curly. (I dunno, this sounds pretty gay that I'm talking about Nelly Furtado's hair.) I was way into her before I started noticing her looks. You wouldn't think she is a mother with her figure. Check her new "Promiscuous Girl" video for some proof!


She's sexin' it up a little, err, a lot. Initially, I was shocked and I felt like she sold out, especially since her music is starting to become more hip-hoppy. Couldn't she have chosen one over the other: either sell your body or your hippity hoppy music? I was starting to miss her
I'm-like-a-bird-ethnic-Portuguese-dancy-soulful-sultry-but-not-slutty music. But then, I backed up a little. She's always made music that had a little bounce. This is a different bounce than the type found in regular ol' pop/hip-hop music: it's not forceful. On many of Nelly Furtado's tracks that have bounce, you want to dance because her voice makes you move, not necessarilly because of the beat. Plus you have to listen to all her songs to see that she's not a one-trick pony (inside joke!!!). I like the songs that tell a sad story, again, because she's so expressive with her voice.
<---You really need to check out the "Maneater" video
In regards to her becoming more sexy, she's always been sexy but to varying degrees. It's just that now she can flaunt it, because she's a mother who looks friggin' awesome. Wait, she looks awesome period. Do I wish she'd tone it down a little more? Yes, only because she'd just gain more fans for the wrong reasons: her looks. I'd have to explain to people, who think I like Nelly Furtado because of her looks, that it was her music first. Her music makes her more attractive.

But dammit if she doesn't look drop-dead amazing. Second proof!!! Check out her international video for "Maneater". Towards the end she's just wearing a wife-beater and she pulls it up to display her stomach. I've never noticed a girl's abdominal region before, but for some reason this did something to me. Oh yeah, the track is good too. Duh, because it's all about the music ;o)
Fine, Ms. Furtado, I get the point: you look awesome. Now flash me some new music! AND NO MORE JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE COLLABO'S PLEASE!!!

Damn you, Bucky.

Just finished watching Lisa Tucker get voted of American Idol 5. It's not a total shock to me. Though Lisa was, and still is, one of my favorites on the show, I saw this train coming a mile away. She's been in the bottom three for the past two weeks, not including this week. It was probablly her song choices that did her in. No one can say that she can't sing, because she can-- just look at her audition and when she sings Whitney songs. Maybe she's too young to pull off the older songs she's chosen, but the Kelly Clarkson song she chose last night might've been too new and, more importantly, she might've taken that song too seriously. I guess people wanted her to do something that made her stick out from the dumb blondes on the show. She might've been too nice, but dammit if I like nice people. You shouldn't have to have an edge, or be a whore to be in a good singer. She's a great singer, and at 16, she will mature and eventually harness that not-so-raw talent. I can't wait to see what she does in the future.

Other's, on the other hand, have survived being voted off inexplicablly. What the @#$%! Bucky?!?! I can't even understand anything he says, and it's not even just the accent. It's like there's a trailer rat in his mouth holding his tongue and making him swallow and stutter all his words. He's a mediocre singer at best. I predicted him to be out tonight, though I kinda knew Lisa was on the ropes. It doesn't even look like he'll be out soon either. Next week is country music week.

I am angry. But I wish Lisa the best.

The Top Two things in the World Right Now

Youtube is an amazing thing. You can find a butt-load of crap about anything in it. So, I was doing some video surfing (or what I like to call- vurfing) and I was watching some anime music videos. By chance, I saw plenty of Kingdom Hearts videos (it's videogame if you didn't know) and I realized that the sequel was coming out soon. Then I remembered how I like the theme song of the original, though I did not play the game. The commericials for the game were running all the time back in 2002 (I think), and like many commericals, the music got stuck in my head. Except this song was stuck in my head, which made me think of some cute girl. This was understandable: duh, I think about girls, but that's just the safe reason.

So, while singing this friggin song all the time ("When you walk away/ You don't hear me say...") I googled the song and found out it was sung by a Japanese girl named Utada Hikaru. Back then I just thought that she was just this cute girl who sang video game songs. But through youtube, I found out I actually enjoy many of her songs not attached to a videogame. Sure, it may be considered cheesy J-pop stuff, but hey, it maketh me shaketh down to my boneths, so it gets a thumbs up in my book. Utada Hikaru actually breaks the misconception that Asian singers can't sing well. Her voice may not be a Kelly Clarkson or Mariah Carey, but it's still strong and has a uniqueness to it that isn't found here in the US.

She's stuck in my head, and something here is borderlining Nelly Furtado obsession. Did I mention I'm still obsessed with Furtado?

Second TOP thing in the world right now is Taylor Hicks of American Idol 5. Refreshing change of pace from your Fantasia's and Carrie's. This is the first season of AI that I'm actually watching even after the funny mass-hilarity audition phase.

I Spy

Sam Fisher is so bad-ass. His guns don't need holes.